Saturday, December 31, 2005 burn your prettiest outfit and come to the party
Tonight at the Ottobar the Charm City Roller Girls present The End of the World. It's going to be the best post-apocalypse-themed New Year's Eve party in town.
Costumes strongly encouraged.
$12 at the door, $10 in advance (a little late for that, but I do have a few tickets left).
When I get home tonight, I have to make a rather unflattering dress look like it made it through several bad disasters. Yesterday, I realized I should've planned and carried out a mutant costume with an extra eye or something, but it will have to be "girl who went to the thrift store at the last minute". posted by Frenz | 12/31/2005 08:19:00 AM
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Thursday, December 29, 2005 He got his start singing gospel. I saw a report.
Hey! I just figured the perfect way to explain why blogging feels hard and stupid these days. Every time I sit down to write a post, I feel like I am performing my own version of "Trapped in the Closet", which is a song/video cycle that is twelve parts long and counting, and has R. Kelly telling a sordid, tedious story, more or less in real time. I should just go back to molesting kids and videotaping it, ha ha ha. That was not a reference to my own life. That was a reference to the life of R. Kelly. posted by Frenz | 12/29/2005 09:06:00 PM
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Wednesday, December 28, 2005 Why aren't I asleep?
Down in the basement, just about directly below where I'm sitting, one of my housemates is banging a drum. He usually plays the viola, and this sound is less sad, but it seems more restless. I have a cough, and I am restless, too.
Some friends in Virginia sent me a calendar they'd made. It shows old pictures of Richard Nixon with drawn-in word bubbles. He's saying really positive things, and each day that's not already a designated holiday is marked off as something like "pond day" or "ultimatum day". It's going to be a good year.
In news of the unpleasant, I just slightly broke my keyboard. One of the arrow keys was stuck, so I pried it up to get whatever foreign object that was making it stick out of there, an when I tried to put it back, I caused a tiny, key piece of plastic to fly across the room, and I have no idea where it landed. That part of my keyboard looks strip-mined right now. Very sad. Maybe there will be a finding lost items day in my future, so I don't have to look like a punk when I type. posted by Frenz | 12/28/2005 11:13:00 PM
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An update: because I can
The world at large turned indulgently away when I exposed the lower two to four inches of my midriff all summer, but in this holiday season, I am beginning to get looks. Stuff it, world at large. I am not buying new clothes, and it's not because I'm poor, because I'm not. I just don't feel like it. Pass me a surplus croissant. I will repurpose it into a dimple. posted by Frenz | 12/28/2005 02:19:00 AM
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005 They just came home. I didn't publish instantly enough.
All my housemates are with their families, and Tracy is watching some kind of sporting event. I'm never alone in the house, and it's strange. One of my housemates got me sea monkeys for Christmas, and after two days, I can finally see them. I was afraid the specks I thought I saw when I squinted were un-activated sea monkey eggs floating in the seaquarium. If I couldn't see them by tomorrow, I planned to go out and buy more without ever telling my housemate, because I knew he'd be upset if the batch he got didn't work out.
A former boss of mine bird-sat once, and the bird died, so she tried the old sitcom trick of replacing it with what appeared to be its exact double. I guess she'd never see a single television show. Of course it didn't work.
Now they're here and visible, so I won't have to try it with my sea family, although I bet I have a better chance of getting away with it. I think my eyes were better the last time I had sea monkeys. (I have sea monkeys. I will alert all recent partners, because it is my ethical duty.) posted by Frenz | 12/27/2005 12:14:00 AM
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Monday, December 26, 2005 Feliz Navidad
I want to wish you a merry Christmas, from the bottom of my heart.
I am drinking a gingerbread capuccino right now. Are you? If not, maybe you should think about why that is. posted by Frenz | 12/26/2005 02:21:00 PM
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005 no direliction in duty
Maybe you had forgotten about my new job, internet, buut I have not. I found an epidemic of plague recently, in my house. I think I have traced its source, and when she returns from the midwest, she will be beaten. posted by Frenz | 12/21/2005 11:23:00 AM
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Sunday, December 18, 2005 There's no such thing as next year.
Tonight I ate Chinese food, and an hour later I was hungry again, just as it is written in the prophecy. Tomorrow the moon will turn to blood.
All the shirts I like to wear were dirty when I had to get up and get dressed this morning, so I dipped into the closet of business casual items I never wear. The bargain I've made with myself recently is that I get to wear any old damn thing and not be mortified, but I must ignore my body from the neck down. It works, to a point. Now my biz-cas shirt is all covered with spots of coffee.
I didn't get enough sleep last night, and if this respectable shirt was the only casualty of my slow reflexes, then I think that's fine. I skipped open skate tonight because I was tired. Now that it's safe to do so without risking physical activity, I wish I'd gone. posted by Frenz | 12/18/2005 10:41:00 PM
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Saturday, December 17, 2005 It is rude
to hide in your room when you're supposed to be preparing for a party. Make a note of that, and then mend your ways. Then hang lights in the yard and see if you can help with the cooking. First, continue to hide. Then, realize you were lying about your plans. It will be OK, though. I promise. posted by Frenz | 12/17/2005 07:46:00 PM
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The weary world rejoicing
Just now I realized that the stylish, practical travel mug that I'd filled with coffee to take home is sitting on the counter at my workplace. I am so sorry. I did not mean to abandon you. I just got all caught up in sweeping and stuff. You wouldn't understand. You never do.
My kitchen is full of apples and raw dough. Between the pies-in-progress an food from work, I have found myself embroiled in a snacking epidemic. I am like a little Florence Nightingale, marching in bravely to administer to the gluttons. No, baby, I'll take that pie. I do not care for my own health, and this is for your own good.
My household's War-on-Christmas Tree is very beautiful. The cat benefits from it most of all. He has been eating all the tinsel, and I'm sure his little GI tract is in the holiday mood. This is going to be a better Christmas than the one where Laura Ingalls Wilder received white sugar and glass. posted by Frenz | 12/17/2005 12:31:00 AM
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005 Stanley Williams
After my first couple drug studies, I got used to blood draws. I got used to distracted techs poking around in my arms, looking for veins and missing the mark. Sometimes the vein would pop, and there would be a bruise. It was frustrating to wait and wait, knowing that you couldn't go anywhere 'til they got done, while they dug around in there. I'd always want to grab the needle myself and be like, "Here, dammit. Jesus-God. What kind of asshole can't find a vein?" posted by Frenz | 12/13/2005 05:34:00 PM
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Great News, Everybody!
Just on a lark, I called up Johns-Hopkins on my break a little bit earlier. I spoke to a very nice woman. When I mentioned that I'd received an e-mail that indicated that I might be qualified as an epidemiologist with that institution, she got really excited. "We're so short handed!" She said. "Fifty of our best epidemiologists all went on Hawaiian vacations at the same time, and the rest have terrible diseases. When can you start?"
I was a little taken aback. I had some anecdotes about epidemics whose progress I'd personally tracked all ready. I didn't even get to tell her about how I traced the recent poncho epidemic to some contaminated hay. Still, I was pretty psyched that I had been more or less instantly hired. Hopkins doesn't screw around, man. You have to call a place like Ruby-Tuesdays every day to see if you're hired or not, but I guess that is the difference between Johns-Hopkins and Ruby-Tuesdays.
I had one major concern, which is that I already have a job. I mentioned it to the nice lady, whose name I forgot but I'm sure I'll relearn it, and she said I could telecommute. It seems really perfect right now.
I can't wait to find my first epidemic. posted by Frenz | 12/13/2005 11:54:00 AM
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I will take my new career seriously
Even though I am as employed ass I've ever been, if not more so, I'm too lazy to click through and unsubscribe to the job alert e-mails I get each day. These broke my heart when I was looking hard, but they were always a hoot, too. Today, for example, Johns-Hopkins, one of the most respected medical and educational institutions in Baltimore, says:
"Thank you for your interest in Johns Hopkins University.
Based on information you submitted in your Career Agent, the following jobs may be of interest to you."
And here are the jobs:
Assistant Administrator
Sr. Development Program Coorrdinator
Epidemiologist. posted by Frenz | 12/13/2005 07:52:00 AM
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Saturday, December 10, 2005 Crippling winter storm update
A red basket in our yard turned some of our snow pink. posted by Frenz | 12/10/2005 03:21:00 AM
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Friday, December 09, 2005 Street justice
A few days ago, some friends of mine got their new car stolen. For once, the unfortunate friends are not people who live in my house. Instead, they live in bucolic Hamilton (which I once heard one lady at the beauty parlor tell another was "The new Hampden."). Their neighborhood has cul de sacs and driveways, and shame on them, but they left the car idling unattended before they left for work early on Sunday morning, and ten or fifteen minutes later, it was gone.
They called the police, and when the officer came and took the report, he gave them a ticket for leaving the keys in the car. posted by Frenz | 12/09/2005 12:13:00 AM
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Thursday, December 08, 2005 Skate and die, both together
All-endurance practice tonight. As part of some kind of media circus, Beardo the Creep was there taking photos of our asses as we stretched before and after practice. He was never formally introduced to me, so I assume that must be his Christian name. In the spirit of tonight's practice, I endured it, but talked loudly about "some clown getting upskirt shots" and also swore. I am thankful that Tracy ran him over once.
I guess the season for thanks has passed.
I am greedful for new wheels. My own are not as AWESOME BE THE FIRST AT YOUR RINK as the discount roller skate website lead me to believe. I was the first at my rink, the first and only. It is because the wheels and bearings are low-quality, so no one else will buy them. They are called "Sure-Grip Zoom". I figured they had to be fast and grippy. I got deceived, y'all.
So deceived. A few weeks ago 75% of the team bought expensive new wheels, and now they skate circles around me. Since my own wheels are made of wrought iron, I can give it one hundred and ten percent, leave it all on the rink, and push myself to the limit and still fall behind. Or I may just be slow. I would blame it on my constant Lohan-level partying, but: a)If I actually did the coke that ol' Lohan does, I bet I could skate really fast for a minute or two, granite wheels or not. b) Every time I see many of the stars of the league, they are smoking eight cigarettes at a time and downing a quart of whiskey. posted by Frenz | 12/08/2005 01:14:00 AM
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Sunday, December 04, 2005 sneakers
When I end up with too many friends who don't know each other, I get nervous. I want to shrink the world and have everyone I know and like be best friends with each other and stand in the same room. I'm getting closer and closer. Now that I've left the beauty parlor, I'm working with and for people who mean a lot to me. I think I'm sneaky.
I only want to write on this blog to take potshots at strangers, evidentally. Because I got nothing. I'm tired. I worked at least a few hours at one place or another every day this week. I was almost too tired for skating tonight, and even then we left early. Some teenagers were showing off and putting me to shame, but I've gotten skate-served before, and if I was myself, I wouldn't have let it stop me. posted by Frenz | 12/04/2005 10:56:00 PM
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Thursday, December 01, 2005 Aloha, cancer.
My last day at the beauty parlor was yesterday, officially, but they begged me to work just one more shift, and I said yes, because I wanted to prove myself as the biggest fucking sucker they have ever hired, one last time. Yesterday, a man whose job is to set salons up with computers and software came up and set up a G-5. Then, all day, he trained me on software I will never use again, even though it was my last day (officially), and I protested that this was a waste of time. The owner refused to reschedule, so I had to be nice to the computer man, because it wasn't his fault, and he trained and trained me. Later, I realized he hadn't left me with any of the necessary passwords to run the program.
Then today I had to try to train my replacement while my now-former co-receptionist tried to book appointments by hitting the computer with sticks and rocks. The new girl offered helpful suggestions. Then, it was over, and I hugged a lot of people, and I left. Goooooodbye. posted by Frenz | 12/01/2005 05:09:00 PM
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